There are days when I would rather jump off a bridge. Sometimes it’s the whole period. Due to coronavirus, my two-year plan fell apart, from day to day.
I came home and it was the worst idea ever. Not only did I realize again that I can never be happy with my family, especially when, as my mother claims, they only like me when I’m okay and successful. Who wants to have people in life who love you only when you are successful ?! No one, no one who learns to value themselves, no one who has had enough of bad experiences. I know this was the last chance.
When I’m with my biological family (even without a biological father), I’m useless, I’m useless and I should be treated because I have emotions that I have based on the wrongs that still undermine me. Although it was inevitable, it was my last chance to settle family relationships. Some kind of reset. I can only blame myself for that.
I gave them time and energy, instead of focusing on myself and my music career. It has cost me so much time that I hate myself for it, that I was still naive towards them. It is better not to have a family than a bad family, which is not here for you when you need it, but it sticks to you when you go to see and you are doing well.
My non-biological family and friends offer me to see a half-full glass. I’m at the bottom, which means it can’t get any worse. We’ve been dealing with a crazy stalker for a while now. Looking back recap, it cost me a lot of money and energy to overcome this period, it is incredible how toxic they can be people who will try to claim, own, forcing them belong.
How someone can be so self-centered and destroy everything you’ve been working on for so long. How is it possible that this stranger broke in me all the certainty I had been working on for 7 years. How is it possible that he caused me fear? Any of my stories on the instragram, any markings online led him on another journey to get closer to me, despite the fact that mine HELL NOPE and STOP CHASING ME heard several times.
He had the courage to show up at my house, he had the audacity to annoy my surroundings and my family, he had the audacity to break into my privacy just to open up to him. (LOL) His argument that he fell in love does not give him the right to destroy my work. I hate it when someone tries to manipulate me. I have several years of experience in which to feel the manipulation, when I was just a product for people who had power over me. Whether I was grateful or promised a better future, the fulfillment of my dreams. The truth is that no one cares about dreams, the whole world does not revolve around them. Everyone just wondered how much I would earn, what they would get from me, nothing more, nothing less.
And now enough of the negative. The positive thing is that I have closed this chapter in myself so I can move on. I don’t want to go back to where I left off, let’s say the last six months of my career haven’t been nice. I became a totally disgusting person in despair. It wasn’t me, which I unfortunately found out over time.
I was full of doubts, fears, constant struggles, that I had the desire to achieve everything I could.
I DON’T DESERVE IT, I thought. Because I lost myself, I lost my moral values and priorities and pursued recognition so I could never get it.
I want to apologize to anyone I’ve ever hurt. I am asking for forgiveness for all my bad qualities that I have caught over the last few years. The hardest part is probably forgiving myself for being so stupid and evil as a result of the constant fear that anyone could deprive me of it.
I apologize from the bottom of my heart for what kind of person I have become. I work on remediation every day.
Music has saved me several times in my life, so I know it will be in my heart forever. And it’s time to go back to where I feel happy. Telling my story through music is a privilege I have won. And I will not give up. It’s time for COME BACK.
That’s why I’m launching the BACK TO THE ROOTS project on that occasion. read more about IT in the following article.